Archive for April, 2012

Death Be Not Proud

Posted in Uncategorized on April 25, 2012 by tivaniam

20 March 2002, 16h20pm – I walk into my parents’ bedroom and notice that my father is distressed. For some reason he is trying to move over from his side of the bed to my mother’s. I thought that was very strange and felt the need to sit by him. He couldn’t communicate. Lung cancer had filled his body with pain and transformed a once healthy, vibrant man into a skeleton. Trying to settle him was hard but eventually he positioned himself onto my mother’s pillow and lay still. I sat holding his hand and noticed that his breathing was becoming faster and erratic. I call out “daddy” and get a soft squeeze in response.

16h45pm – I am sitting on my mother’s bed amidst utter chaos. I am fully alert, paralysed, devoid of emotion, holding my dead father’s hand. There are people screaming around me, I hear my mother sobbing, my cousin crying in a corner and then everyone backing away as my brother walked in, silent. He closed my father’s eyes and broke down clutching this man who has given us life. He died at the age of 46, leaving behind a wife and two children and a granddaughter who he adored more than life itself.

Tears in Heaven

Having someone you love die in front of you – no matter how “prepared” you may be – is something that can never be forgotten. Heart break is no cliché. I suffered a physical pain in my chest for months after my father died. Our life changed dramatically. Dreams were broken. My mother lost her soul mate, I lost the one man I could depend on, who became a father figure to my child, the pillar of strength in our home….the life and soul of any party…and while the happiness seemed to have escaped from our lives on that day, I knew that life had to go on somehow.

Death is like taxes – you can’t escape it. Any single person in this world will experience a loss of major proportions at some point in their lives – some worse than others. A parent having to bury a child is something indescribable for instance. The only guarantee we have is this moment. We get the chain e-mails explaining how to live a full life – we hear inspirational stories about people who have overcome insurmountable odds to achieve their goals but nothing will ever hit close to home until you are faced with mortality and then time becomes relative.

My father lived his life in excess. Excessive love, excessive good times, excessive smoking (which ultimately killed him) BUT the moral of the story is, THAT is exactly how we should live our lives. Live like there is no tomorrow, love like you’ve never been hurt and let go of any baggage, anger, resentment or jealousy you may have for anyone. Tomorrow may never come, and today is what counts.

This post is dedicated to YT. I am finally becoming what I should have been 10 years ago and it’s because of you dad.

My 30 Day Challenge

Posted in Uncategorized on April 19, 2012 by tivaniam
Weight Gain 4000

Weight Gain 4000 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You want to evoke the fear of God into (most) women? Plant a scale in the middle of a busy corporate department and have a public weigh in. I worked for a corporate company that did such a thing. Women got together to humiliate themselves publically, resulting in a miraculous and drastic change of their eating habits for fear of being scorned at the following week. Not me. I got on the scale every week with no weight gain, steady on 54 kgs, amidst a crowd of women gasping or whispering “how does she do it”. I was the envy of many. I was proud and gave advice freely about how to restrain yourself from gluttony (smug little shit wasn’t I?).

And the walls come crashing down

These days my relationship with chocolate is my comfort, my friend, my happiness during trying times. And that love has spread itself far and wide – across my once firm ass for one! I realised my addiction was a very real thing when I locked myself in my office and scoffed down two chocolates in a space of two minutes flat. With dilated pupils I emerged from behind closed doors to slam into my (thin) colleague who remarked “you should actually wipe the evidence off your face if you want to hide it”. Damn. Blasted. I am discovered.

Thirteen steps

So acknowledging that I have a problem IS the first step right? Right.

I have eaten enough of everything delicious to know what good food and junk tastes like. I have young children who require energy. I am still vibrant with a discovering mind that cannot become demented early due to a lack of proper nutrition AND I really do WANT to look good. My 30 day challenge is to eliminate junk, go to the gym at least 3 times a week, cut down on the caffeine, sleep more, stress less with a view to living a good healthy life. I will start this challenge on the 2nd May (because the 1st is a holiday J) – so feel free to join me and let’s support each other in this fear factor challenge. Stats to be provided on the 2nd May. Cringe.

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