Archive for May, 2012

Even Heroes Need A Hero Sometimes

Posted in Uncategorized on May 28, 2012 by tivaniam

This last week saw me hovering on the borders of “DEPRESSION”. I found myself listless, wearing pyjamas all day, sobbing my heart out when the Idols winner was announced, not sleeping for four days, no appetite and a constant back ache… yes it was bad. And I wasn’t premenstrual either. Here I was in the throes of such anguish that not even the smiling faces of my children, who enveloped me with love and affection, could move me. The culmination of months of stress and major life changes finally got to me. Over a period of four days, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into this bottomless abyss.

Depression sounds like a dirty word (weird for me because swearing is my absolute favourite thing). The mere mention of the word “depressed” seems to inspire all sorts of stigma’s (see “mental illness”, “psycho”, “can’t-cope-despite-seeming-to-have-it-all-syndrome”). I used to be one of those women who could handle anything. I dished out advice on how to be strong, how to be a survivor and how to always look for the silver lining and lesson in every situation. I knew the Oprahisms by heart and could give myself a good talking to whenever I had brief moments of despair. I handled my father’s death, I was a single parent, I had miscarriages, I moved provinces with little support, I left the comfort of a small town to enter a very big town that is so fast you have to literally hit the ground running to keep up. I endured it all. Survived it all. So now, how could I end up like this?

This generation of women are taught to be fearless, to be independent, to work hard and play hard. Our options are limitless. We are as smart and savvy as any male counterpart. We can have the kind of life our grandmothers could only dream of. Yet, of all the women I know, at least half of them are miserable, stressed and depressed, and openly admitting to being depressed seems to be equivalent to saying “I am a drug addict”.

Back to Basics

For me, my AHA moment came at 4:00am today. I know there are people who would give anything to live for one more day, anything to have the blessing that comes with having children or the comfort of a warm bed or food on the table, a responsible, trustworthy husband, good health….the list is endless. Perspective is knowing that no matter what happens today, tomorrow will be better. Perspective is knowing that my job does not define me. Perspective is knowing that there are certain things you cannot change and you have to live with them.

So for today, I am grateful that I have some inner peace and that is enough to pick me up when I fall.



When Letting Go Is The ONLY Choice You Have

Posted in Uncategorized on May 16, 2012 by tivaniam
Life, Love & Pain

Life, Love & Pain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I hate needles, but I have three tattoos. Strange? Maybe not. Physical pain is a relative, subjective thing. Like childbirth. Any mother who has had a baby born naturally would agree that labour pain is the most awful thing to endure – yet we still continue to create life! That is relativity. Emotional pain is different. Heart break, loss, rejection, failure…..those feelings can never be measured.

Someone I love dearly – who shared my life, my secrets, my hopes and my dreams – made a decision to remove me entirely from their life. No more shared conversations about our daily frustrations, money issues, embarrassing moments or the joy that I got from my children. It is over. I mourned for six months. I did not want to accept rejection. I could not believe that one argument could result in this finality. I sought intervention, I got angry, resentful and fought hard and long and then finally after six months of suffering. I let go.

I am stuck in a job that gives me no satisfaction or personal growth. I dreamt constantly of the degree I should have had, pursuing my love for the arts and being settled and happy in a thriving career. Instead, I am in a cut throat environment that pays a great salary but leaves no gratification or a sense of pride. The knowledge of what I should have been and now can never be because of a lack of education plagued me for years. Until now. I let go.

When enough is enough

When the reality of who you really married does not measure up to the fantasy in your head.

When the love of your life has walked away or cheated on you.

When the love of your life has been taken away tragically.

When your son or daughter, mother or father has disowned you.

When you are not the success that society dictates you should be.

When you don’t have all the money in the world.

When you are not as pretty as so and so.

When you have a fallout with your best friend/in laws/spouse/parents.

When you have an awful job.

Let Go.

For letting go doesn’t mean that you are weak. It means that you are strong enough to know that fighting or holding onto emotional baggage of any kind only brings extended pain and suffering. Happiness would elude you if you constantly think of the past or what could have been or should have been. Your “Master Plan” needs to unfold and every trial is a lesson to be learnt. Every missed opportunity means that something better is around the corner. That insight will only come, when you let go.

My 30 Day Challenge – Day Eight

Posted in Uncategorized on May 10, 2012 by tivaniam

Eight days into the 30 day challenge and I am ashamed to admit that I have fallen off the wagon. Well perhaps not all the way, more like I am hanging onto the edge but slipping very slowly. Despite my determination and commitment to follow through with this, I found myself entrenched in one of the worst weeks I have had in a long long time. So for me, any kind of emotional stress triggers the “MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE” part of my brain and results in zero effort to remain focussed on the challenge at hand. But as a friend told me, as long as I am still committed, I can try again tomorrow.

I WILL say that I ate reasonably healthily, drank sufficient water and never had any junk food except chocolate on two days but never exercised at all 😦

Sigh. I resolve to TRY and make a greater effort next week despite whatever challenges I face.

Girls are made from Sugar and Spice and all things nice

Posted in Uncategorized on May 7, 2012 by tivaniam

Having a baby is like having a tattoo on your face. You need to give it some thought before you commit to it!

Being a mother in this generation is fraught with challenges and while we feel blessed to have had children and are appreciative and mindful of this, the reality is that motherhood is bloody hard and quite honestly, very very frustrating at times. That admission and the knowledge and acceptance that you will mess up often, does not make you a bad parent. So having said that, to raise a daughter, is where it gets really exciting.

My 10 year old is extremely opinionated/vocal/fearless/packed with pre-teen hormones:

“Are you really wearing that mum?”

“Do not embarrass me at the awards ceremony tonight! You are always crying when I get an award and everyone knows you are MY mother”

“You and Dad are just gross” (After catching Mr G trying to cop a feel in the kitchen)

“This boy in my class….”(sentence never got completed because Mr G caught the “boy” bit and promptly remarked “What boy….I will break his legs”) to which she responded “I have NO life in this house”.

“Can I wear a bra? Everyone else in my class does”. Again Mr G responds “They have boobs – hahaha”. Cue door slam.

“What is sex?”

“What is a Lesbian?”

“When can I date?”

All of the questions above evoked the same response: “cough, splutter, damn this bloody sore throat, I must go and gargle immediately”.

Bullet dodged. For now.

Trying to find the balance between having a friendship with your daughter, providing her with a safe place to tell her secrets whilst being a mother first, is no easy feat. Harder is the fact that the father in the home is archaic in his thinking and believes that girls must be kept under lock and key, complete with a chastity belt. Pity the boy who tries to date her! I have the utmost respect for my mother now. While I certainly wasn’t as temperamental or vocal, I know that the mood swings and fights about boys weren’t easy to deal with. While I am trying to be more liberated than my parents were, and trying to have a good relationship with my daughter, I am dreading the years to come when clothes/make-up/boys/dating will become a priority and the innocent and precocious child I have now, will be gone forever.

Thank God for sensible and practical Mr G who, I have no doubt, will be standing with his shotgun when the first date arrives knocking at our door.

My 30 Day Challenge – Day One

Posted in Uncategorized on May 2, 2012 by tivaniam

I woke up feeling lacklustre. The reality of the doom and gloom that starts today hit me like a ton of bricks. For the women out there that don’t have an issue with weight, this dramatic feeling will be lost on you, but for the rest of us, trying to part ways with all things delicious feels like I have been given a death sentence.

That being said, I am committed to making a change and the forthcoming posts detailing my “transformation” (of my mindset largely) will be honest and sincere. I don’t forsee this challenge as being easy in any way and whilst I can overcome and do just about anything, THIS has really been a struggle for years with a complete lack of willpower on my part.

So, as promised, my stats are as follows. GULP. The Horror.

Height – 1.74

Weight – 69.8 kgs (NO I WILL NOT ROUND IT OFF TO 70!) My BMI says I fall into the “normal” range – however my fat is centred around my stomach, arms and thighs (so everywhere in other words-except my legs).

So the goal is to lose at least 4 kgs for this month, but more importantly, it is to exercise faithfully, eat correctly, stop eating junk food/processed food altogether 😦 and make informed, healthy decisions for the future.

So I have my work cut out for me, and I am reluctantly ready for the challenge. I know there will be tough days and I already have serious withdrawal symptoms (which are all psychological) – but I am committed. So watch this space.


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