Archive for July, 2012

Why Did I Get Married? Amongst Other Things-To Avoid Casual Sex!

Posted in Uncategorized on July 31, 2012 by tivaniam

One of my single friends, post recent break-up, seems to have done the mourning and post mortem of the old relationship and, with renewed vigour, is ready to enter the world of coupledom again. Now, being of the married and settled variety, I admit that I am prone to having bouts of envy when I listen to her hackneyed but nevertheless exciting and funny recounts of first date “hits and misses”. One such first date has now ended up being three successful dates with the same fella and it seems she is ready to “give him the cookie” as Steve Harvey eloquently says.  In a quasi-serious tone I tell her that I think Steve Harvey’s advice is to wait three months before giving a man the goodies!Ignoring my side commentary, on she goes about what to wear and how much of preparation she has done and all the while I am thinking….there is actually nothing casual about casual sex!

Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ...

Film poster for Casual Sex? – Copyright 1988, Universal Pictures (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All that primping, waxing, plucking, tanning and stuffing yourself into nice looking but damn uncomfortable bits of material that he will no doubt spend 30 seconds looking at, has made me grateful to be married! Just thinking about the lacy, raunchy numbers that feel like a thousand ants are riding up my ass is enough to make me stay at home and save myself the itch, thanks very much. If I were single that is. Maybe that explains why dates weren’t lined up at MY door during my single days?Anyway, the morning after, I get another call from my fever pitched friend giving me a blow by blow – pardon the pun 🙂 -about the night before. Seems she enjoyed NONE of it! Why? Because throughout the event, she was consumed with thoughts of what her thighs looked like and whether he would be disgusted with her cellulite or whether her flabby stomach was making flapping noises above him!

In between my laughter, I felt sorry for her. I think single woman do wish they had the comfort of a warm bed to come home to every night. Albeit without the sexual frisson or butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, you end up with unadulterated, unencumbered, mutually beneficial fun – most of the time anyway and with less preparation! (In some cases, a quickie in the bathroom while the kids watch TV is also fun – just saying).

That night, I asked Mr G if he noticed my wobbly bits when we first did the deed – (ahem, on my wedding night, if you are reading this mummy *blush*) – his response, for a change, was brilliant! He said most men are so grateful to be getting it on at all, that wobbly bits don’t get noticed. Then, in true Mr G form, he casually throws in that I really did not have a lot of wobbly bits then!

Moral of the story: being married is a saving grace! While there is no excuse to be haggard and in filthy sweats with unwashed hair and unshaven legs….the truth is out there, that we really do have it easy. Although sometimes, thirty seconds of itchiness in the form of a raunchy number, goes a long way to put the va-va-voom back 😉

The Great Houdini (And Other Tricks my Toddler Knows)

Posted in Uncategorized on July 25, 2012 by tivaniam

Almost two years since his entry into this world, my son has captured my heart and is the apple of my eye – the love I feel for him cannot be measured. However at 3am this morning, love was the very last emotion I felt when my blissful sleep was interrupted by a shrilling cry, for the third non-consecutive night in a space of one week, and all attempts to put him back to sleep, failed. So while my dear son danced and hummed through the fourth episode of Teletubbies, in between “over the hills and far away, Teletubbies come to play ….time for Teletubbies, time for Teletubbies…Tinkywinky, “Tinkywinky!” Dipsy “Dipsy!” Laalaa “Laalaa!” Po “Po!” Teletubbies “Teletubbies!” say, Heeeeee-lo! “eh-oh!”, I envisioned strangling those four hideous creatures to death.

While I am grateful to have a normal, healthy, exploring baby, I do wish that someone gave me practical advice on how to raise a son – which is completely different from raising a daughter. For one, it would have been useful for someone to have warned me that paying for a gym membership would be in vain! Aside from having no time for it, for me, running, jumping, leaping and dashing – all forms of exercise – are par for the course when trying to impede a disaster before it happens! Thereby making said gym membership, void!

So, I have formulated a list of practical advice on how to deal with some of the drama I have experienced recently.

Never fall into the “oh this is so cute” mind-set when you come across children’s furniture. Chairs especially become the platform for making an easy escape.

Never leave bits of furniture close to windows. See above.

If you want to introduce your kid to ice-cream, be prepared to finish an entire tub or else face the drama that will surely unfold when you think your child has had enough.

NEVER leave doors open. Silence is an indicator of some sort of mischief happening. Eating toothpaste, toothbrushes in the toilet pan and toilet roll strewn all over the bathroom floor is a common problem. Utilising mum’s shower cap is an optional extra.

 

You are welcome.

*singing* “over the hills and far away, Teletubbies come to play ….time for Teletubbies, time for Teletubbies…Tinkywinky, “Tinkywinky!” Dipsy “Dipsy!” Laalaa “Laalaa!” Po “Po!” Teletubbies “Teletubbies!” say, Heeeeee-lo! “eh-oh!”

 

 

 

 

My review on THAT book

Posted in Uncategorized on July 13, 2012 by tivaniam

I have succumbed to the hype. I admit that I have read THAT BOOK. Ok, maybe just the one and not the whole three part series – but book one was enough to spur me on to write this post.

If you haven’t heard, where the hell have you been? 50 Shades of Grey has become the book of choice for bored housewives, single career women – married women even – all over the world!  So what exactly is the fuss all about? I will tell you.

Christian Grey.

One part grey eyed Adonis billionaire, another part sadistic, control freak who takes possession of young virgin Anastasia Steele and catapults her into a world of lavishness, luxury and the kind of sex that would make your mother blush. Sexually explicit – bordering on pornographic scenes – and that kind of hedonistic romance is a winning combination for die hard romantics who want a form of escapism from their otherwise mundane lives.

Can we also assume from the popularity of the book that women secretly LIKE porn? I can say that the scenes did make me blush. Albeit kinky and somewhat perverse – this book for me demonstrates the need for love, unbridled passion and the fantasy of exploring the unknown that a billionaire’s lifestyle can afford is what resonates with women all over the world.

I don’t know how the story ends. I have to devour books two and three in the next week to find that out. Once I do, I will report back.

Laters, baby.

The Diary of a Mad Nanny Hirer

Posted in Uncategorized on July 9, 2012 by tivaniam
A child and her nanny

A child and her nanny (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Interviewing for a nanny to care for my kids has become somewhat of a game.  Eight nannies in two years? Well I am starting to question whether the problem is me. Number eight sent me a text on the morning that she was meant to arrive last week saying “I have got another job. I will not be coming back. Thanks for everything”.  So much for loyalty or a basic work ethic! I was such a good boss too. I was kind and friendly and generous and overlooked a lot of bad behaviour but still the allure of more money and less work seemed to be the attraction. Sigh.

So began the madness to find number nine within one day.

Mr G thought it wise to spread the word to every man and his dog and happily sat back to watch the drama unfold as I fielded calls from potential candidates left, right and centre. Being highly strung and having to deal with maniacs is a recipe for disaster.

The Applicants

Caller one (C1)

[cell phone rings- I answer – note no “Hello” at the beginning]  

C1:                  I’m coming Saturday.

Me:                 Excuse me? Who am I speaking to?

C1:                   It’s me. I am coming Saturday. I will do that job.

Me:                 Pardon? I don’t know who this is? Where did you get my number?

C1:                  That man gave me the number. I will come. Ok thanks.

Me:                 Which man? What exactly are you going to do on Saturday?

C1:                  That man over that side gave me the number. I will do the job. I can look after the children. I will see you Saturday.

Caller two (C2)

C2:                  Hi Mrs. It is the security.

Me:                 Hi. Complex security?

C2:                  Yes Mrs. Your husband tells me you need someone to look after the children?

Me:                 Yes I do. Have you got someone to help?

C2:                  Yes Mrs. My nephew. He is good and can come tomorrow.

Me:                 Nephew? You mean niece? Girl, right?

C2:                  Yes Mrs. He is a girl. He wears girl clothes.

Me:                 Let me chat to my husband and I will get back to you.

Enough said.

What pains me, aside from the fact that some men have no clue about the logical way of doing things, is that it is so hard to find people who value their jobs! If you are a working mum and have no support system, it is torturous having to rely on nannies who have you at their mercy.

Fortunately my dear friend managed to find someone suitable – saving Mr G from couch duty and saving my sanity from further interviews!

Incidentally caller one appeared on Saturday morning to “do that job” but luckily caller two was on duty and sent her on her merry way.

Oh the joys of being a working mum!

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