Archive for October, 2012

An Open Letter to My Brother

Posted in Uncategorized on October 19, 2012 by tivaniam

The hardest thing in life is to know what bridge to cross and which to burn. Those words are loaded with power. I repeat it like a mantra hoping that my feelings and emotions which I have kept hibernating within me, would feel the need to wake from sleep. I have thought long and hard about the way things work in this world and despite the fact that I have written several articles about letting go, my heart and my head are very rarely in sync. I have never wanted to put a name to my pain. So much is happening around me that I fear if I dwell too much on this, I will lose myself and so far, the one thing I have been able to rely on exclusively, is my functional brain. But in this instance, I think speaking about this issue that has left a mark on my soul, will be a cathartic experience for me. This is an open letter to my brother.

A few years ago, you and I went out for lunch alone. We were both single. Throughout that shared meal, secrets we guarded closely, came flooding out of both of us, such was the trust and love we felt then. I remember spending so much of time laughing with you, talking about growing up and stupid mistakes we made over the years. At that point, you evolved from being my brother, to being one of my closest friends. We fought a lot too. There was no doubt that both of us could put up a good fight. The no holds barred insults we threw at each other were usually below the belt. It’s true that you behave the worst with people you are closest to. But I understood then, that we were both very strong personality types and the love we shared far surpassed the volatility or normal sibling rivalry. I was always so proud of you, of the man you were grooming yourself to be. You were the man in my life for so long and the thought of having a life without you was unfathomable. Little did I know what would come to be a few years later. Life as we knew it, took a turn for the worst and you made the decision to remove yourself entirely from my life. I thought the respect that was ingrained in us, the love we shared, the vast memories and the grief we suffered when our father died, was the foundation that bound us together for life. Yet here we are, both broken and silently grieving, while the puppet master, who controls the strings of our lives, watches in glee. I am saddened most of all though, with the fact that it was so easy for you to discard me knowing how much I have protected you over the years and have loved you in spite of yourself. My mistakes were the lessons you never had to learn yet I never had the courtesy of the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this is your lesson to learn, so I will love you from afar until the day you realise what you have done. I hope it is not too late then.

For now, the bridges have been burnt, as the last ten months have forced me to reach the final stage of my grieving, which is acceptance. It hurts but no one professed that life would be easy. This is just another way that I am taught that nothing in life is ever guaranteed. My love for you however, will always remain the same. Untainted.

 

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