Archive for May, 2013

The Healthy Debate

Posted in Uncategorized on May 30, 2013 by tivaniam

“Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside”. Mark Twain

My body and mind have always functioned harmoniously when operating independently from each other. Recently, albeit not winning the war, my mind has dominated the battle as I endeavour (half-heartedly) to make the changes I need to make in order to live a healthy productive life. The problem is, I am actually not convinced that my health is the motivating factor here and fear that vanity prevails, hence the never ending war between mind and body.

I find myself staring into the now empty space on my office shelf where my beloved sweet jar once resided. I skulk through the corridor that houses the vending machine stocked with the things that melt my heart and stare longingly until someone catches me. This self-induced torment is not pleasant but with the obvious disconnect between mind and body, this is exactly what can be expected.

So, I do some introspection. Do I really want to live a life in half measures? Sure, nothing tastes as good as thin feels but really, whoever thought up that line is surely a marketing genius who lures unsuspecting and unwilling people like me to believe that being thin will dramatically transform my life. Clearly that person has never had the experience that comes from devouring a decadent slice of chocolate and orange cake or Cote d’Or Bouchees! Will Mr G suddenly salivate at the thought of seeing a thin version of me? Doubt it. Will I suddenly acquire large amounts of wealth if I were to suddenly become thin? Doubt it (unless I happen to meet a man who is knocking on death’s door and wishes to bestow his wealth onto me without the possibility of exchanging it for sexual favours – another unlikely possibility because in these scenarios, one is usually perky and supple, something – after having had two children, I will NEVER be).
So what benefit will I obtain if I become thin? Surely the best version of myself stems from how I apply my brain and not so much what I look like? Aside from the fact that life is so damn short and I could die at any moment, why would I forsake the things that I love, that give me the greatest joy and happiness, in a futile attempt to be thin so that people could look at me and say “wow, look at how amazing she looks after having had two kids”?!

Makes NO sense, especially if the reasons aren’t motivated by health issues. My theory is thus, everything in moderation. I will indulge in whatever I like and not berate myself for it. I will not suffer the hardship that comes from eating a tasteless piece of lettuce knowing full well that I could eat the pasta that I yearn for. Yes, I may always remain just a little bit overweight, but hey, I will be bloody happy.

Just For My Mother

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 13, 2013 by tivaniam

For many years, you were the enemy. I judged you harshly and blamed you for every bad thing that happened to me. You were larger than life and not human in my eyes. Mistakes were not meant to happen and were not easily forgiven. I couldn’t see the wood from the trees until much later when I became a mother myself. Hindsight is a wonderful thing to possess when you get older. Becoming a mother for the second time has revealed many things to me, most important of which is the fact that you were and are an excellent mother. You did the best you could under sometimes very difficult conditions, conditions I never appreciated or fully understood until now. Being a mother sometimes means that you have to be bad for the greater good so all those times you forced me to learn and read eventually culminated into the passion I now possess for literature and writing. You have modelled me into becoming a resilient woman, by giving me the tools to make me strong. I accused you of so much and failed you as a daughter in so many ways, yet throughout it all, your love has been constant and unwavering. The most beautiful relationship a woman can ever possess is one with her mother. I no longer see you as just my mum. You are a woman. A hardworking, strong woman who sacrificed a lot to teach me the core values I now govern my life by. Love being the most salient of those lessons.

So today, I want to thank you for teaching me the power of love. For being patient, loving and kind at times when I am not kind to myself. You haven’t had an easy life yet your endurance, perseverance and inherent strength shines through in the fact that you remain positive during all of life’s many challenges. That to me, is the true measure of character.

You are not perfect, this I know now. Neither am I. However, the love that resonates within us and between us far surpasses the imperfections we both possess. So, today I want to just let you know how blessed I feel. I am divinely favoured and I am honoured to call myself your daughter and I want to thank you for every sacrifice you made for me.

I love you always.

Loneliness Unspoken

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 1, 2013 by tivaniam

Loneliness (song)

Loneliness (song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My life reads like an epic, harrowing tale filled with twists and turns and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. I have experienced things that most people never face in their lifetime but I have survived it all! I feel like a warrior who won the greatest battle. The only problem with being a protagonist in the story of my own life is the fact that there can’t be two heroes, which makes for a very lonely life.


Loneliness has become a constant white noise that I have grown so used to hearing, I live by its rhythm. Ironic considering I am married with kids and have no reason to feel lonely, but I do.  

Sadly, like most women, I am a paradox. I am a force to be reckoned with at work. I am strong, resilient and capable. Yet silently I am a hopeless romantic, the damsel in distress waiting for some grand gesture that demonstrates my prince’s love and affection. And I wait. And I wait. The tragedy here is the fact that no matter what I do or say, the love language I speak is completely different from my husband’s and so we are both left meandering through this marriage like two lost ships at sea. For someone so strong and capable, I am weak when it comes to love. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love fully. My weakness comes with the fact that I have left my emotional wellbeing firmly at the feet of the man I chose to marry, hoping and praying that one day, I would finally get what I long for. But humans are fallible creatures by their very nature. To expect someone else to be exclusively invested in my own happiness is unrealistic and unattainable. It’s a rarity to find someone who checks every box that you have in your head of your perfect relationship. I have very little to complain about by way of morals and values in the man I chose to marry. I just married someone who opts for emotional detachment and survives on mundane domesticity. I married someone who is indifferent when I am grandiose, who is complacent when I am restless and who never “sees” me when I desperately need to be seen.

Marriage is more than being parents to children, for me it’s about the relationship between a man and a woman. The very foundation of that marriage should be the passion and love and intimacy shared.  It should be a silent flame that doesn’t often have to burn brightly but should never dim.


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