Archive for October, 2013

For My Son, On Your Third Birthday

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 28, 2013 by tivaniam

My boy, the last three years have passed by in a blur. Time flies when you are having fun they say. I cannot believe have fast you have grown. I still remember this day three years ago when I counted down the hours until I met you. I have always been slightly agnostic when it comes to miracles. I haven’t been on the receiving end of them. However, on 29 October 2010, I discovered that miracles do exist. Your life was a testimony of God’s love for me.

You have turned my world upside down. Your spiritedness, your fiery nature (much like your mother’s) and a smile that melts my heart, makes me believe that you were brought into my life for a reason, and that no matter how hard life gets and how things change or how often I am hurt, I believe that your life will be a constant reminder that good things do happen and that I have been favoured.

I would love to believe that the values I impart on you will make you become the man I know you can be. I believe that my love will carry you through life’s challenges with the knowledge that your existence has a higher purpose on this earth. You have brought immense joy to so many people and I know that your spirit is designed to inspire.

The relationship between a mother and a son is different and even though I often get told “I don’t like you anymore”, I know that you know how much you are loved and I thank God every day for giving me the privilege of calling myself your mother. I will remember this privilege the next time you decide to break all of my lovely statues while playing with your cars on the furniture. I will not dismiss your creativity when you write all over my walls. I will embrace your self-expression when you decide to pee in my garden or colour your face with my make-up. I will allow you to develop your own identity and preferences when you choose to wear pyjama pants and a big coat with sandals on a blisteringly hot day simply because your pants and coat have pockets. I will not crush your spirit when you come to tell me that every single fork I possess has been crammed into the drain and I have to call out a plumber at the cost of a thousand Rand an hour to unblock the drain. I will remember that you are my blessing and I will not punish you for any of these things.

So on your special day son, I want to thank you for teaching me that love at first sight does exist, for giving me the gift of your life and for allowing me to be a mother to you – something that has no price tag attached to it.

Happy birthday my angel!

Have fun tomorrow with your train, bike, guns and sherbet. Everything you asked for in that order 🙂 I promise to not buy you birthday cake because you don’t like cake “anymore”.

Mummy loves you.


The Underestimating of a Woman’s Power

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on October 3, 2013 by tivaniam
“Strength does not come from physical capacity...

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” (Photo credit: katerha)

I think it is pretty obvious how men wield their strength – it is that which can be seen by demonstrative, obvious displays. Women are different though. Superlative strength, often with secret suffering, are inherent within us. And yet we don’t know our own strength. We bear children – a pain that no man can relate to, we love hard in the midst of anguish and through tragedy we are still able to give off ourselves to others. We are phenomenal.

This week taught me many things about myself.

As I moved out of the house I shared with my husband, children in tow, I worked physically as hard as a man. I didn’t know my own physical strength. As I set up home in silence, trying to make things comfortable for my children, I forgot my heartache and did what I had to do. I didn’t know my capacity for endurance of emotional pain. On Monday morning, I got up, dressed up and showed up – enthusiastically – to lead my team at work, to fulfil my obligations to my employer and in between, I forgot my personal issues long enough to do my job well. I didn’t know my own aptitude for compartmentalising issues. As I got the notification that my Divorce papers are in Court – reality hit me, overwhelmed me and scared me, but surprisingly, I didn’t react. I was and am at peace.

Women choose (out of fear or circumstances beyond our control) to settle, suffer, endure, tolerate, get beaten down, broken down and finally, die a sad death…..having wasted years of our lives thinking we are brave because we accept the things that bring us down and don’t quit our marriages or relationships. And we suffer. And we lose ourselves.

I don’t know how the decision came to me, where I drew the strength from or how I put the plan into action to take the alternative road, the one less travelled, the one that is scarier and far from my comfort zone. However, now, having done so, I consider myself braver, more courageous to have stepped up and owned my life. And during this entire process, which seems so surreal, I have discovered that I am far stronger than I look, far stronger than I feel and have the power to control my destiny.

I didn’t know my own strength. Until now.


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