Archive for March, 2015

A Letter to my Father on the Anniversary of his Death

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on March 19, 2015 by tivaniam


Twelve years of not hearing your voice or getting the daily phone call that I could set my clock against.  I used to laugh at you…you’d ask me the exact questions, in the same order, every single day. I remember asking you whether you’d know the difference if you spoke to me or a recording of me.

I would give anything now to have one more call.

I remember being pulled and dragged to dance with you whenever we had a party at home. I was less than enthusiastic and always complaining.

I would give anything now to have that one dance with that one song you loved.

I am thankful that I inherited some of your better habits. You never judged anyone – regardless of how I’d try to convince you that certain people were awful, you only assumed the best.

You were forgiving. I never met a man with such humility despite how many times you were wronged. That was the greatest lesson I learnt from you. Humility is a dying art. A characteristic few people possess. I’m proud to say you were one of the few people I know who encompassed this fully and authentically.

I also learnt about unconditional love from you. I watched you love my mother until the moment you took your last breath. I watched you look at her, high from massive doses of morphine,  no doubt engulfed by the fear of facing your own mortality…and all you would do is comment on how beautiful she was. I remember saying to you that you looked at her as if you were seeing her for the first time. It made me sob at that moment and 12 years later,  it makes me sob now…I haven’t had a man look at me like that yet, with a love that’s transcendent.

I will light a candle for you today and listen to “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton, a song you used to sing often and loved. The irony is not lost on me.

Life has never been the same and never will be the same. Wherever you are, I know you are the life of the party.


Your Chinx

Flames to Dust

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 5, 2015 by tivaniam


Disappointment follows me around like a shadow. I’ve let myself down. The inner bitch that I thought I’d suppressed successfully, recently reared her ugly head, clapping her dormant hands in glee, intending to cause irreparable damage with a very vicious tongue. That bitch.

The self-righteous angel has been knocked off her pedestal.

When met with confrontation what did I do? I fought back. I became enraged, volatile, AGGRESSIVE – same shit from the old story that I thought I’d closed the book on. Yeah, fair enough I was provoked – but I should have learnt that provocation comes from OTHER PEOPLE’S stories, not my own. I have learnt that I cannot control how people treat me but I can control my reaction to the treatment. I am PEACE after all! That is supposed to be the very essence of who I am, for fuck sake!

But sadly, I have regressed and now stare at the ashes of the burnt ruins I set ablaze.

The thing about engaging in any kind of attack is: there are no winners. I may be victorious at the end, having said the worst things that I know will penetrate deeply causing severe pain, but at the end of the day, does that make me happy? No. Far from it.

Inherently I am someone who speaks my truth, knows my truth and lives my truth. There will always be someone who feels the need to attack that truth based on their biased OPINION (not fact) or the fact that me living my truth makes them FEEL a certain way (envy? jealousy? or even just a pure hatred for me, who knows!). Ultimately, engaging in this destructive behaviour is in conflict with who I have worked really hard to become, someone with a brand new story – untainted by the ghosts of mistakes past.

Coming to the realisation that I’ve messed up doesn’t deter from the merits of the fight. I will stand my ground in all respects. My reaction though is something that I need to now reflect on, again.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but good intentions won’t get you a free pass when you are burning. The internal dialogue between my heart and my head should flow mellifluously. When things are erratic internally, it’s your inner voice telling you something is amiss. We’d all benefit hugely from listening to that inner voice and save ourselves a lot of heartache.

I am not sorry for defending myself. I am sorry for the manner in which I chose to do it. Sometimes, silence speaks volumes, especially to people who are ignorant. This is just another reminder that I am an eternal work in progress and that’s ok. When you know better, you do better.

Thankfully, the flame feeding my inner bitch has been doused.

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