Flames to Dust

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Disappointment follows me around like a shadow. I’ve let myself down. The inner bitch that I thought I’d suppressed successfully, recently reared her ugly head, clapping her dormant hands in glee, intending to cause irreparable damage with a very vicious tongue. That bitch.

The self-righteous angel has been knocked off her pedestal.

When met with confrontation what did I do? I fought back. I became enraged, volatile, AGGRESSIVE – same shit from the old story that I thought I’d closed the book on. Yeah, fair enough I was provoked – but I should have learnt that provocation comes from OTHER PEOPLE’S stories, not my own. I have learnt that I cannot control how people treat me but I can control my reaction to the treatment. I am PEACE after all! That is supposed to be the very essence of who I am, for fuck sake!

But sadly, I have regressed and now stare at the ashes of the burnt ruins I set ablaze.

The thing about engaging in any kind of attack is: there are no winners. I may be victorious at the end, having said the worst things that I know will penetrate deeply causing severe pain, but at the end of the day, does that make me happy? No. Far from it.

Inherently I am someone who speaks my truth, knows my truth and lives my truth. There will always be someone who feels the need to attack that truth based on their biased OPINION (not fact) or the fact that me living my truth makes them FEEL a certain way (envy? jealousy? or even just a pure hatred for me, who knows!). Ultimately, engaging in this destructive behaviour is in conflict with who I have worked really hard to become, someone with a brand new story – untainted by the ghosts of mistakes past.

Coming to the realisation that I’ve messed up doesn’t deter from the merits of the fight. I will stand my ground in all respects. My reaction though is something that I need to now reflect on, again.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but good intentions won’t get you a free pass when you are burning. The internal dialogue between my heart and my head should flow mellifluously. When things are erratic internally, it’s your inner voice telling you something is amiss. We’d all benefit hugely from listening to that inner voice and save ourselves a lot of heartache.

I am not sorry for defending myself. I am sorry for the manner in which I chose to do it. Sometimes, silence speaks volumes, especially to people who are ignorant. This is just another reminder that I am an eternal work in progress and that’s ok. When you know better, you do better.

Thankfully, the flame feeding my inner bitch has been doused.

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