Archive for April, 2015

Trusting My Journey

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 20, 2015 by tivaniam

Over the last few years, my birthday has been less of a celebration and more of a time of deep introspection. With my 34th birthday just hours away, I’ve realised that this past year has been the most significant for me in so many ways.

I’ve found myself at the centre of the fire. Actually no, scratch that, I’ve PLACED myself at the centre of the fire. For one full year I’ve consciously made decisions that have ultimately resulted in where I am right now. It’s been my year of extremities. I’ve been the happiest that I’ve ever been in my life. And conversely I’ve been where faith and hope couldn’t find me. I’ve spent so many nights staring blindly into the darkness – all attempts at exhausting myself into an uninterrupted sleep having failed.

I’ve found my heart opened in ways it’s never known. And then for the first time in my life I’ve had something in me close and looked at everything with unseeing eyes. Loss of any kind does that to you. Whether it’s losing a loved one through death, or a failed relationship or poverty or simply losing the ability to know who you are.  I was cast adrift.

I’ve been so used to self sufficiency that asking for any kind of help felt like a knocking off my pride. It felt like failure. But once I did, love and kindness revealed itself to me in so many ways. Unexpectedly, I’ve been touched by the words and actions of people who reached out for me making me feel connected to something greater than myself and despite my weariness, my heart opened itself to love again and again. 

I’ve learnt that as much as there are cruel and unkind people in this world, there are equally kind and compassionate people.

And for as long as I have a voice, I will continue to show my gratitude in whatever way to those who have extended themselves to me whenever I needed a reminder of the enormity of the human spirit.

As I get older, the universe shows me that remaining true to myself is the only way to be truly happy. I’ve lost my way for sure…but my journey is far from over. I choose to forgive myself for judging myself as less than and will move forward with nothing but love and gratitude for the blessing of awareness and consciousness that my journey has afforded me.

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Tell Me Who You Are

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 13, 2015 by tivaniam

I’m revealed to the world as a foolish woman who’s over-enthusiastic in love. I reach out with both hands open again and again and even after every failure, I know I have learnt more about love in all its expansiveness. I am drawn into the depths of real intimacy and get closer to the Divine due to my willingness. It’s a union of contradictory longings. And I will play the fool again. And again.

I’ve learnt how to deal with pain. There is no way out – but through. Trying to anaesthetise it through drugs, alcohol, sex or food consumes us from the inside. Some days all I can do is simply hold on, one breath at a time. So I learnt to sit with pain and in it I find continued wisdom.

I’ve learnt that joy finds itself in ordinary moments. Quite often these ordinary moments of ecstacy feels like a spiritual awakening, it’s so transformative. A shared joke with someone I love, remembering our naughtiness and three words that landed us in trouble, sparked an avalanche of belly aching laughter. It was a moment of unbridled joy, all encompassing. I savour those moments even if it appears to others to be simplistic because life has taught us to pick a set of joys that suit a lifestyle.

I used to downplay my talent for writing despite spending years trying to cultivate it, just so that I could appear humble but I can’t do it anymore. I derive such joy in this ability. I derive joy in my inabilities too. I love music and I sing loudly, and very badly, at full volume. I sing because it alters my mood without me resorting to medication.

I am inefficient in so many areas but I know that I was made to write and I was made to love. This is my joy and it’s limitless.

I’ve told you who I am. Tell me who you are. I don’t want to hear your name…

Red My Lips: On Making Visible The Fight Against Sexual Violence

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 1, 2015 by tivaniam

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She was 8. He was 42.

Her innocence and purity was untainted. She trusted him. He knew that. He was calculated. Cunning. Manipulative. A psychopath who exploited that trust and abused it in the worst possible way.

On a random night, he consciously chose to poke, prod and pry open her innocence, taking from her what was pure and using it for his own sick gratification.

She was neither sexually provocative, nor suggestive. Most perpetrators who violate women or children grasp at threads looking for excuses to validate or justify their behaviour.

He said she made it up.

She was troubled, he said.

He pitied her. Offered his support.

People believed him.

Except me. I know the truth. And I will never be silenced.

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I will wear red lipstick for the month of April to show my support to victims of sexual abuse. Age is limitless. Any girl or woman who has been violated deserves a voice and deserves to be heard, supported and applauded for her choice to speak up. Let us not be silenced. 

#RedMyLips

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