Archive for July, 2015

A Letter to my Daughter

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on July 27, 2015 by tivaniam

It’s a week before you turn 14. Where has the time gone? I still remember the day you were born and how I felt looking into the face of an angel. I learnt the meaning of love on that day. I have grown up with you and have learnt so much from being your mother. The one thing I can safely say is, raising a girl is hard work!

I am sad that, for the first time in your life, I would not be spending your birthday with you. I will still phone you in the morning and tell you the story of the day you were born, which is our tradition every year 🙂 But for now, I want to tell you a few things I have learnt about life which I hope will be useful advice as you become a young woman.


Ah. This subject. I can’t believe we are here already. I thought I had a few more years before this subject came about. But I guess not. So.

Boys are stupid. Throw stones at them 🙂

Ok, seriously. I’m glad we have the kind of relationship where you can be free to tell me whatever you feel. I want you to know that you can always be honest with me and I won’t judge you for it. Boys will come and go. You will fall in love at least ten times before you become 21 and when relationships end (as they will) you will feel like your world is collapsing, which it won’t. This is the reality of life. I will say that when the time is right, you will meet someone who will change your life and I hope that you remember the lessons I’ve taught you over the years after I made hundreds of mistakes where love is concerned. The thing is, you need to like more than a cute face. Remember looks fade. You need to be with someone who is a gentleman, who treats you with respect and adoration, both your mind and your body. You need to be with someone who is serious about his future and considers education a vital thing (remember nerds are cool!). You also need to have someone who shares your values. And I hope that I have taught you some over the years. But as you grow into your own person, you will discover this for yourself. So. Bottom line is, love will happen. It will happen a million times. And you will be ok if it does or doesn’t. Don’t chase things that are bad for you or that you know are wrong – trust me, I know from experience and I have shared all these lessons with you. So look at your mother’s life as a warning!


I’m pleased to say you have my brain 🙂 So yes, you will amount to something. Just know that education is vital for yourself and your future. It will make life easier when you need to buy expensive things that you like. Don’t wait until you’re 30 to study. Your brain degenerates (case in point – your mother!). Also, feel free to follow your dreams. Whatever they may be.


I hope that you have paid attention to everything that I’ve said over the last 14 years and hopefully you know what’s important. I have tried to raise you with a value set that I thought was important. You can change these along the way, but the few that I won’t negotiate on are respect, kindness and compassion for yourself and others. I know that you love your family and you are expected to always be there for anyone who needs you. You are expected to always be respectful to your elders even when they embarrass you or irritate you. Like me. When I scream at you in front of boys :-). Be respectful.

Your Body.

Fortunately, we are past the stage of having the birds and the bees conversation (awkward). We know that went down badly. But over the years, I have spoken to you openly about your body and respecting it and ensuring that boys respect it too. I won’t rehash that conversation because I will wait until that subject crops up again – when you’re 35 and ready to take that step :-).

Finally, I just want to say that I am so proud of who you are, and who you are becoming. I told you that you are your own person with your own identity and nothing like your parents (thank God). You and I have always been a team my baby and nothing will change that. I am so blessed to have you as my daughter and I want you to know that I am here for you, until the day I die and even after death, because a mother’s love never ends. Always strive to be happy, nothing is more important than that and know that you are here in this world to do something amazing.

I love you.


Loving Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 20, 2015 by tivaniam

Loving me won’t be easy. I break myself down with the same intensity it takes to build myself up again. Losing everything, to gain the appreciation when it’s easy. I know it’s harder this way, but I will hope that what’s meant to be, will stay.

Don’t go skin deep, everything you need from me is below the surface.

Put me in my place but remember that I won’t stand for anything worse than first.

Stare directly at my faults with compassion. I promise you, the whole of my heart is so much greater than the sum of its parts. It’s all or nothing. All of me in exchange for all of you. I want you to live for me. I’m so flawed.  Foul mouthed but sweet despite being battle tested and still, everything I have and am will be yours. I want to see in you, a man with eyes for only one woman. I don’t know what that looks like yet.

My mind is like a steel trap, preventing me from sleep. You make me forget, you’re intent on setting me free. The darkness ceases to exist. Everything makes sense in your light. But please don’t try any harder. I can’t fall any further.

If you ever have to leave, you would never have to wonder how I’d remember you because there are a million living memories residing within me.

Of course I am going to love you like I’m dying. When you’re beaten down, you know tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

I’ve earned the love, not just the lust. But I still want you to watch me undress. Grab me by my hair and kiss me until I forget. Lift me onto your lap and rub the small of my spine. Make your mark on my body. There’s making love, there’s sex and then, there’s this.

This moment right here is where we start the story from. The story of who we could become, together.

On Gratitude

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on July 16, 2015 by tivaniam

I needed to lose my mind to find my way. I’ve longed for empathy from a world that’s so hard. I know what hell looks like and I’ve made it out alive.

Because of it, loss made room for the unknown to enter.

When all that I’ve known has been mediocre, I now face the extraordinary, the manifestation of my every dream and desire. And I am grateful.

Grateful for the losses and failures that transformed me.

Grateful for the learning that cannot be unlearnt.

Grateful for the honesty that I possess to relay my story.

Grateful for the Hope and Grace and Love and Joy that surely follows a dark day.

More than that, I am grateful for the knowledge that there is a higher power who knows me, who loves me and provides me with everything that I know I am deserving of. And therein lies the power of the law of attraction.

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