Archive for November, 2015

Existing As I Am

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on November 18, 2015 by tivaniam

Love and life is woven into the tapestry of my existence. I’ve died a hundred times trying to ignore and stifle the humming of my heart. I tell the truth and come to you with every wound, every secret I’ve kept hidden, every lie I’ve ever told. I come to you with sins and regrets, loss and memories and days where I’ve woken up with nothing and no one.

But those who are short sighted  aren’t ready to read the best parts of me. I’ve had to champion my own story because I have no interest in being loved in bits and pieces, too much for some, not enough for others. My heart is not a home for the weak. I wear my scars while you hide yours.

So I’ve found a calm in the dead centre of my own storms, naked, wearing only my scars and a smile. There are days when I can barely breathe, where my muscles seem to atrophy and then I realise that there is not one single thing behind me, nor one single thing ahead of me, that is stronger than who I’ve grown into.

I’m more whiskey than water.

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Power of Vision

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2015 by tivaniam

In recent weeks, I have been tried and tested in terms of staying true to the essence of who I am. I am peace and peace should follow me everywhere I go, however, I am manifesting great conflict into my life right now that leaves me wondering where the basis of that stems from. I have lived my life with great certitude regarding the abuse of power and have tried to live with a level of humility that makes me authentic and empathetic to others. So when I am faced with dictatorial people who dominate others through their status, rank or wealth, I immediately recognise weakness disguised as strength. It is a tyranny of impoverished thinking.

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other person. True nobility only lies in being superior to your former self. These are principles which govern my life. However, I have openly expressed my humanness and how a slight provocation makes me forget who I am. The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. My every despairing thought was of an inadequacy that should have no basis in my current mind. As a writer, words for me are a verbal embodiment of power. It has to therefore be chosen so carefully. So if someone says I am incompetent, based on nothing, it definitely should have no bearing on me and rather attests to their own sad story. Unfortunately, I have been measuring my self-worth against other people’s net worth. The subjugation of my entire form based on discursive murmurings. It’s stupid. I lost the awareness of who I am beyond name and form.

I have realised that there is a definitive anxiety gap that becomes my constant companion when I divert from the present moment and propel myself into the future or dwell on the shit of my past. However, the problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind. When I reaffirm this, I reclaim my power.

The lesson is this. Certain people are as they are. Never overlook the power of simplicity. Sometimes the best thing to do, is nothing at all. That is having the power of vision in the face of adversity.

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