Archive for Death

Peace, Orlando and Soul Shifting

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2016 by tivaniam

I am not a fan of propagating negative stories. I don’t subscribe to ‘anti’ this or that and have been fortunate enough to learn the importance of creating my own reality through words that I use. I have learnt that I create more chaos and more trauma when I perpetuate the belief that I need to be ‘anti’ something in order to give it traction – it only serves to create the reality of that which I am against.

However, in honouring my own essence, the recent Orlando shooting has affected me deeply and warrants some mention because of the nefarious act in itself. There are certainly a ton of these unmentionable horrors that happen all over the world that do not receive any publicity. I know that there are instances of these unspeakable acts that happen within our own communities. But the fact that the Orlando shooting has been in the forefront of anything else today, is where the reference comes from, and this post is to that end.


No religion teaches people to act in ways that harm others.

No religion on this earth serves as an indoctrination so entrenched that acts of murder, intolerance for others and a lack of humanity on a basic level, are principles upon which that religion gets displayed.

I do not believe that certain classes of people are predisposed to murder.

I do not believe that God in His wisdom would EVER encourage anyone to take the lives of others in an effort to promote His teachings. The shooting in Colorado is the act of one individual who lived in a state of absolute ignorance and darkness and his act was a demonstration of the illness that he suffered.

That being said, collectively, as humans, we are ALL responsible for the shootings in Colorado. All of us. In a spiritual sense, we are all connected. We are all Spiritual Beings trying to navigate in this human world. We possess the entire spectrum of human conditions within us – from the purity to the evil. Some of us are fortunate enough to be in tune with our spirit and choose not to act in deplorable ways. There are other people who choose to demonstrate their internal chaos, externally, and as a result kill people.

Notwithstanding the sadness and the senselessness of it all, all of these tragedies create an even greater awareness to those of us who are already aware and we have an obligation to now step up and be the change we want to see in the world. My personal belief is that God resides within me, as me. And in that belief comes the responsibility to demonstrate my Godliness in ways that serve this world.

Many years ago, I was in a perpetual state of anger. My anger consumed me. I never became violent – but I could have if I hadn’t reached a state of awareness and healing. My victim mentality and hatred of my past and all its experiences was something I had to learn how to make peace with. I didn’t ‘turn around’ my story – I ‘turned towards’ it and honoured my own shadow, inviting it to consciousness. To the extent that I chose to work through them, accept them and forgive myself for everything, I was able to use this for my soul’s expansion.

Those who don’t deal with their traumas and bypass them or apportion the blame onto others, remain stuck and confused. And end up killing people.

To all those who have lost loved ones through acts of violence, my heart cries with you. The time has come to expand our hearts and stop living in the shadows of prejudice, racism, intolerance, hatred, bigotry (it’s all the same thing really).

It is time to live in the light of our own souls. And that is where ONLY Love resides.


Grief: The Price We Pay for Love

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 7, 2015 by tivaniam

I’ve been thinking alot about grief over the last few days, due in part to my father’s birthday being a couple of days away and the news of my uncle being diagnosed with cancer.

I’ve lost so many people that I’ve loved through disease or ill – health and even suicide and I’ve realised that we don’t ever stop grieving. It’s been 12 years of birthdays not spent with my father and while the intensity of the pain diminishes, it never disappears entirely.

Grief does not change you, it reveals you. I’ve had to love silently that which I once loved out loud, living with the reality that death has permanently separated me from someone I love so much.

But through it all, the one lesson I’ve learnt from grief is that it takes an enormous amount of courage to not DO but simply to BE with what is and not try to run from it or anaesthetise it, even when it feels like I’d bleed to death with the pain of it.

Loss is inevitable. It’s the price we pay for loving. It’s part of the human condition. And every single person in this world will experience it. Dealing with loss is different for each of us, what will always remain true is the love that forever lingers in our hearts. Love never ends.

A Letter to my Father on the Anniversary of his Death

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on March 19, 2015 by tivaniam


Twelve years of not hearing your voice or getting the daily phone call that I could set my clock against.  I used to laugh at you…you’d ask me the exact questions, in the same order, every single day. I remember asking you whether you’d know the difference if you spoke to me or a recording of me.

I would give anything now to have one more call.

I remember being pulled and dragged to dance with you whenever we had a party at home. I was less than enthusiastic and always complaining.

I would give anything now to have that one dance with that one song you loved.

I am thankful that I inherited some of your better habits. You never judged anyone – regardless of how I’d try to convince you that certain people were awful, you only assumed the best.

You were forgiving. I never met a man with such humility despite how many times you were wronged. That was the greatest lesson I learnt from you. Humility is a dying art. A characteristic few people possess. I’m proud to say you were one of the few people I know who encompassed this fully and authentically.

I also learnt about unconditional love from you. I watched you love my mother until the moment you took your last breath. I watched you look at her, high from massive doses of morphine,  no doubt engulfed by the fear of facing your own mortality…and all you would do is comment on how beautiful she was. I remember saying to you that you looked at her as if you were seeing her for the first time. It made me sob at that moment and 12 years later,  it makes me sob now…I haven’t had a man look at me like that yet, with a love that’s transcendent.

I will light a candle for you today and listen to “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton, a song you used to sing often and loved. The irony is not lost on me.

Life has never been the same and never will be the same. Wherever you are, I know you are the life of the party.


Your Chinx

On Suicide and Depression

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 20, 2014 by tivaniam

Shepard Smith, Fox News’ anchor, made an ignorant remark when covering Robin Williams’ recent death, calling Williams’ a “coward” for committing suicide.

What struck me was the fact that, despite officially apologising for what he dubbed “an innocent comment”, Smith has caused a stir on social media platforms – with people being both in agreement of and opposed to his outrageous remark.

Everyone seems to have jumped on the bandwagon giving their comments and opinions about suicide and debating the merits of depression. But, unless you have been there, I don’t think any academic or empathetic comments do justice.

Having recently been at the throes of despair, being unashamedly candid about my own struggle with depression, I contemplated suicide more than once. What the average person needs to understand is that this is a disease that one cannot “snap out of”. Good intentions aside, the advice I was given, created more of an annoyance and made me feel worse about myself. Comments like “think about your children”, “you have so much to be grateful for”, “you need to pull yourself together”…etc etc etc…do nothing for someone who considers it a task to get out of bed every morning. Each person’s pain threshold differs and what can be dramatic for me, may not be for another as pain is relative.

Whatever the cause, the point is, depression is a disease and should be treated as such. A reasonable amount of respect should be afforded to someone suffering from depression because in most cases, one doesn’t “choose” to simply be depressed.

A culmination of several traumatic life experiences removed all hope from Robin Williams. With the onset of early Parkinson’s disease, life as he knew it, would never be the same. He chose to end his life for whatever reason and there should not be any judgements made or comments that suggest that his soul would now serve it’s time in hell.

Life on earth is hell. Financial trouble, ill-health, relationships failing, death of a loved one, being unemployed, abused, victimised or having a low sense of self-worth are palpable reasons for people to spiral into a dark abyss. Whether suicide is justified or not – it’s a subject that should never warrant judgment.  

Personally, had divine intervention not come to me in the form of The SOAR Institute, I too, would have probably been dead. I have had the insight and experience to know that nothing in life is insurmountable – but again, this knowledge came from having walked that painful path.

Life is hard enough – be kind to each other. Reach out to someone who you think may be hurting. Be authentic with the kindness and concern and know that with life being so unpredictable, you can never tell when your time of need will come, so hopefully your kindness comes back tenfold.

Pay it forward.

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