Archive for grief

Grief: The Price We Pay for Love

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 7, 2015 by tivaniam

I’ve been thinking alot about grief over the last few days, due in part to my father’s birthday being a couple of days away and the news of my uncle being diagnosed with cancer.

I’ve lost so many people that I’ve loved through disease or ill – health and even suicide and I’ve realised that we don’t ever stop grieving. It’s been 12 years of birthdays not spent with my father and while the intensity of the pain diminishes, it never disappears entirely.

Grief does not change you, it reveals you. I’ve had to love silently that which I once loved out loud, living with the reality that death has permanently separated me from someone I love so much.

But through it all, the one lesson I’ve learnt from grief is that it takes an enormous amount of courage to not DO but simply to BE with what is and not try to run from it or anaesthetise it, even when it feels like I’d bleed to death with the pain of it.

Loss is inevitable. It’s the price we pay for loving. It’s part of the human condition. And every single person in this world will experience it. Dealing with loss is different for each of us, what will always remain true is the love that forever lingers in our hearts. Love never ends.


A Letter to my Father on the Anniversary of his Death

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on March 19, 2015 by tivaniam


Twelve years of not hearing your voice or getting the daily phone call that I could set my clock against.  I used to laugh at you…you’d ask me the exact questions, in the same order, every single day. I remember asking you whether you’d know the difference if you spoke to me or a recording of me.

I would give anything now to have one more call.

I remember being pulled and dragged to dance with you whenever we had a party at home. I was less than enthusiastic and always complaining.

I would give anything now to have that one dance with that one song you loved.

I am thankful that I inherited some of your better habits. You never judged anyone – regardless of how I’d try to convince you that certain people were awful, you only assumed the best.

You were forgiving. I never met a man with such humility despite how many times you were wronged. That was the greatest lesson I learnt from you. Humility is a dying art. A characteristic few people possess. I’m proud to say you were one of the few people I know who encompassed this fully and authentically.

I also learnt about unconditional love from you. I watched you love my mother until the moment you took your last breath. I watched you look at her, high from massive doses of morphine,  no doubt engulfed by the fear of facing your own mortality…and all you would do is comment on how beautiful she was. I remember saying to you that you looked at her as if you were seeing her for the first time. It made me sob at that moment and 12 years later,  it makes me sob now…I haven’t had a man look at me like that yet, with a love that’s transcendent.

I will light a candle for you today and listen to “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton, a song you used to sing often and loved. The irony is not lost on me.

Life has never been the same and never will be the same. Wherever you are, I know you are the life of the party.


Your Chinx

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