Archive for love

Rising Strong – My New Take On Getting Older

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2017 by tivaniam

My 36th birthday is looming and with it, the newfound excitement that I have for getting older. Yes, you read right. I am excited to be getting older.

For many years, I dreaded my birthday for different reasons, most important of which was the realisation that my lost youth could never be recaptured, as I inched towards “middle age”. That idea meant I had to finally step up into this whole ‘adulting’ concept, something I’ve waged a war against for many years. I do it grudgingly, and most often, badly. These days, I’ve learnt to embrace being a grown up and with that comes many privileges.

The last three years have been amazing for me from a growth perspective. Some of my toughest life lessons were the catalyst for such a deep awakening, so much so, that I still shock myself with the enormity of what I’ve managed to manifest in my life. This year, reflecting on my 36th year, I realised that I spent over two decades worrying about what people thought about me. And now, finally, I have zero fucks to give. Zero. I am so happy! I don’t care anymore about fitting in. I don’t need to please anyone except myself and I don’t need to conform to society’s idea of who or what I should be because no one knows, except me, the truth of who I am. Therefore why ask permission? Why ask for direction from people, for places they’ve never been! It’s no one’s job to know who I am becoming. That’s my job. So I don’t take on their fear because I choose to be brave about my life.

When I was 18, I entered a beauty pageant because I thought that would make me feel better about myself. Midway, I lost the lines to my speech and had a real life “drop the mic” moment and ran off stage. I don’t think I ever got over the judgment I thought I faced amidst the hordes of people who witnessed that, neither was there a bigger affirmation that I was not good enough. That narrative stayed with me and intensified over the years and needless to say, I created that reality of judgment and the perception of not good enough was revealed to me because that’s the literal way the universe works. And, for two decades that’s how I’ve lived.

Now, at almost 36, I am finally unbecoming. It’s only taken 36 years. I am finding my way back to innocence, purity, childlike joy and wonder and wide-eyed hope. It’s taken 36 years to return to myself instead of being what the world told me to be. With each year, I become more and more of who I’m meant to be. I embrace the fact that I’m a grown up and nobody is the boss of me anymore. I don’t need to audition for life because there are simply no more judges in front of which to freeze.

I am finally allowing life to live through me and I am finally listening to the call of my authentic self. That for me is the greatest gift of getting older.

Let Go and Let Come

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2017 by tivaniam

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~ Lao Tzu

Letting go is a simple concept. Like dropping a pen. It is, however, by no means simplistic. It is not passive. It is far from lazy or giving up. It isn’t merely saying “whatever” to the world. Letting go is wisdom and enables the flow of love and energy to move across freely.

I am the kind of woman who thrives on extremes. I love control. Letting go, goes against the grain of my neurotic patterns. For me particularly, during times of loneliness I want to move left or right. Over the last few years I have learnt the art of sitting in the middle and feeling what I feel.  It has been an incredibly difficult process of grasping and clinging and only after a while, easing my body into peace.

Most recently, I’ve had to address the aspect of letting go in relationships. Very big process for me. I had a major lightbulb moment when chatting to my friend the other day who mentioned that I am literally too intense and have no idea how to be light. I mother and smother and suffocate. Big, big moment of profound truth. When these things happen, learning is immediate – if you are open to being honest and actually paying attention. The common denominator with my failed relationships has consistently been my role as a “mother”, and my desire to have the love evolve in the way I want it to.

So my recent reflections had to be about the detachment that is necessary where love is concerned.

Detachment here is not about letting go of the relationship, person or love itself but rather the expectations and preconceived ideas that I carry into each relationship. I pride myself on being an awakened woman but relationships always challenge my shadow side, pointing out the work I need to do.  I’ve had a relationship blueprint that I thought I should follow: meet, date, kiss, talk, love, kids and families meet, move in together, ring, happily ever after. This became a plan for me that is actually totally limiting. I have such an issue with loose ends and undefined and indescribable situations. I have this compulsion to know exactly the type of situation I am in so that I can apply the aforementioned plans.

How limiting is that???

Am I not able to love someone and let the relationship speak for itself?

Fortunately, with insight, expectations can change and therefore the resultant experiences.

Today brought a new context. A big, scary one that if I didn’t document here, would fade into my thoughts. My writing cements my commitment to myself and forces me to level up. I cannot profess to be authentic if I write it but don’t live it or vice versa – that is my role as a conscious writer.

Going into a new relationship without any idealised thoughts of what it could be or how it SHOULD be allows for the union to develop organically rather than forcing it inside a box of my own definition of love. I want to love the man I am with because of the person he is without the expectation of him loving me back. To let go and let come means being able to enjoy the moments because there are no guarantees in life. This kind of love is not easy. It forced me personally to sit and call my demons by name – those frightful companions called “I am not worthy” and “I am alone” that rode shotgun with me everywhere I went. I had to learn that these feelings are mine to own. I cannot become anxious or fearful and look to a partner to heal me.

Letting go means respecting my partner’s journey. It means that the relationship cannot be forced. Love must be approached as an offering, acknowledging the sacredness of the feelings we have for each other, regardless of action, choices or results. Letting go creates the space for beautiful new journeys.

I am learning.

On Being True

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2016 by tivaniam

Can we be true to ourselves even if that means failing another? That is a question that I have been plagued with. The more I choose to love myself and vote for myself first, the more complex it becomes for everyone else. This act of juggling and choosing to serve me or serve others leaves me exhausted, with a dire need for peace. I don’t have the answers so I am trying to sit with what is, without trying to hide it or fix it.

What has come up for me in the last few weeks is that it’s not even the pain that consumes me, it’s the fucking shame. Shame about the pain. Shame about the choices. Shame about the reality and the perceptions. It takes self-loathing to another level and is completely counter-productive for my growth and development. I have to become unapologetic about my behaviour and choices whilst knowing that this will be too much for some people. That I will be too much for some people.

A part of me knows that those people, aren’t my people. I know for a fact that my too much is exactly enough for the right people. For those who want more. Therefore, I cannot become less.

Yes, I’ve got these life experiences and perceived failures that many cannot and WILL NOT profess to have. It is dealing with a past depression that could have killed me. It is dealing with multiple failed relationships – often in close proximity to each other. It is making very fucked up decisions, the repercussions of which, are felt to this day.

But guess what, these are also my superpowers. I’m the canary in the coal mine. My experiences, my sensitivity, my telling of the truth is what allows me to sense danger that others cannot. So, instead of being silent and trying to extinguish my fire, allow the same fire that almost killed me, to be the same fire that I will use to light up the world.

Closure is an act of sanity for me.  It is something I choose to bring to the table of my own healing. I don’t see this as failure. It becomes an earnest quest for answers that often uncovers life changing truths. These truths will only set me free.

I know for sure that whatever this is, I will get through it, because I already have and continue to do.

 

 

Peace, Orlando and Soul Shifting

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2016 by tivaniam

I am not a fan of propagating negative stories. I don’t subscribe to ‘anti’ this or that and have been fortunate enough to learn the importance of creating my own reality through words that I use. I have learnt that I create more chaos and more trauma when I perpetuate the belief that I need to be ‘anti’ something in order to give it traction – it only serves to create the reality of that which I am against.

However, in honouring my own essence, the recent Orlando shooting has affected me deeply and warrants some mention because of the nefarious act in itself. There are certainly a ton of these unmentionable horrors that happen all over the world that do not receive any publicity. I know that there are instances of these unspeakable acts that happen within our own communities. But the fact that the Orlando shooting has been in the forefront of anything else today, is where the reference comes from, and this post is to that end.

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No religion teaches people to act in ways that harm others.

No religion on this earth serves as an indoctrination so entrenched that acts of murder, intolerance for others and a lack of humanity on a basic level, are principles upon which that religion gets displayed.

I do not believe that certain classes of people are predisposed to murder.

I do not believe that God in His wisdom would EVER encourage anyone to take the lives of others in an effort to promote His teachings. The shooting in Colorado is the act of one individual who lived in a state of absolute ignorance and darkness and his act was a demonstration of the illness that he suffered.

That being said, collectively, as humans, we are ALL responsible for the shootings in Colorado. All of us. In a spiritual sense, we are all connected. We are all Spiritual Beings trying to navigate in this human world. We possess the entire spectrum of human conditions within us – from the purity to the evil. Some of us are fortunate enough to be in tune with our spirit and choose not to act in deplorable ways. There are other people who choose to demonstrate their internal chaos, externally, and as a result kill people.

Notwithstanding the sadness and the senselessness of it all, all of these tragedies create an even greater awareness to those of us who are already aware and we have an obligation to now step up and be the change we want to see in the world. My personal belief is that God resides within me, as me. And in that belief comes the responsibility to demonstrate my Godliness in ways that serve this world.

Many years ago, I was in a perpetual state of anger. My anger consumed me. I never became violent – but I could have if I hadn’t reached a state of awareness and healing. My victim mentality and hatred of my past and all its experiences was something I had to learn how to make peace with. I didn’t ‘turn around’ my story – I ‘turned towards’ it and honoured my own shadow, inviting it to consciousness. To the extent that I chose to work through them, accept them and forgive myself for everything, I was able to use this for my soul’s expansion.

Those who don’t deal with their traumas and bypass them or apportion the blame onto others, remain stuck and confused. And end up killing people.

To all those who have lost loved ones through acts of violence, my heart cries with you. The time has come to expand our hearts and stop living in the shadows of prejudice, racism, intolerance, hatred, bigotry (it’s all the same thing really).

It is time to live in the light of our own souls. And that is where ONLY Love resides.

Trusting the Magic

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on March 30, 2016 by tivaniam

I’ve been having conversations recently that reminded me of my own a-ha moments and my personal journey with overcoming fear that once debilitated me. I have learnt through my own experience that courage should be recognised at the heart of the vulnerable. In a world that advocates living a life of pretence, I bow down to those who keep their hearts open and live and speak their truth.

Some of the most devastating events in our life put us in direct alignment with our destiny. We have to learn how to move past the lessons in order to see our path. This can only emanate from possessing a brutal level of honesty. We need to combat enough fear within ourselves to be able to live the honesty of our own truth – no matter how dark or bright. This admission was always hard for me. I attached myself to the victim mentality and continuously attracted negativity in my life that perpetuated that theory. I often felt like one step forward ended in ten steps backwards – continuous self-sabotaging behaviour. It was only until I realised that my actions reflected who I was and my life was a product of my own mind-set that things started to change.

I learnt how to show kindness to unkind people. I forgave people who didn’t ask for forgiveness. I love and continue to love unconditionally. It is never too late to create a new context and set the tone for amazing things to manifest.

We have to simply trust the magic of new beginnings and know that everything happens for our greatest good.

The Shift

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 22, 2016 by tivaniam

We are a species fixated with ‘labels…Christian, Hindu, Jew, Muslim, Black, White, Gay or Straight…and following the wake of the recent Brussels attack, I can say with certainty that these labels only serve to become more and more divisive.

Now, on the face of another tragedy, while some propogate anger and hatred, we find some of us falling to our knees, united through our prayers. The evidence of a collective yearning for peace is palpable.

Is this what it takes to inspire conscious evolution? Perhaps.
These terrorist actions serve to reveal the underpinnings of a seismic shift. More of us are choosing to focus on leaving this world in a better state in which we found it. And despite the horror of what it takes to get us there, the fact is that it’s happening. And massive change is imminent.

As with life in general, it takes a complete sense of ruin in order to rebuild. And whether it’s a nation or one human, ruin is always a road to transformation.

If we expect to rise from the ashes, we sometimes have to learn to live with the burn.

A Single Girl’s Take on Valentine’s Day

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2016 by tivaniam

I hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day. I don’t consider myself to be a cynic but the whole commercialised idea of love being glorified on one day of the year doesn’t appeal to me. Plus I have residual issues stemming from being the only girl in school who never got to gloat at the thrill of having to carry around a stuffed animal and/or obligatory red rose. I missed that whole fiasco.

The month of February seems to have become synonymous with love and romance that is grandiose. It gives hope to the broken and life to the otherwise forgotten. I’ve found though that desperate love is always the toughest way to do it and the pressure to find Mr Right can become all consuming and depressing.

Love is a disease in and of itself. Fortunately, I’ve long since parted ways with the girl I used to be – the days where I’d walk around with a high fever in my face, the poster child for a montage of every Adele song ever written. I’ve exhausted myself with the collective consequences of a lifetime of choices made out of chaotic passions, always the victim of my own optimism.

But, I’m not brooding. This isn’t a brooding essay. I have reached a level of contentment that comes with age and life experience. I’ve learnt that to love is to recognise yourself in another. Few of us can even comprehend the enormity of that. The longing to be recognised not on the level of form, but on the level of being. To become unstitched from below the surface, with a refusal to indulge in anything that’s less than passionate. I want to experience and hold on to the moments that remind me of me.

What’s wonderful about getting older is that love takes on a new meaning. It’s untainted by a physicality that’s superficial. It’s enmeshed in purity. It’s the inclusiveness of being joined with someone and becoming more than you would have been alone. A love that has no opposite.

But before that level of appreciation is had and as clichéd as this sounds, I’ve learnt that I need to Be the embodiment of love, to myself and others, in order to receive it in the way I want. It’s a consecration of sorts to the essence of who I am. This arising awareness makes me feel love that is True and Pure. A Divine dispensation if you will. And while romance is definitely a beautiful thing, true, authentic Love should be a celebration every day.

I’ll be buying myself a bunch of red roses tomorrow 🌷

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