Archive for Pain

Tell Me Who You Are

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 13, 2015 by tivaniam

I’m revealed to the world as a foolish woman who’s over-enthusiastic in love. I reach out with both hands open again and again and even after every failure, I know I have learnt more about love in all its expansiveness. I am drawn into the depths of real intimacy and get closer to the Divine due to my willingness. It’s a union of contradictory longings. And I will play the fool again. And again.

I’ve learnt how to deal with pain. There is no way out – but through. Trying to anaesthetise it through drugs, alcohol, sex or food consumes us from the inside. Some days all I can do is simply hold on, one breath at a time. So I learnt to sit with pain and in it I find continued wisdom.

I’ve learnt that joy finds itself in ordinary moments. Quite often these ordinary moments of ecstacy feels like a spiritual awakening, it’s so transformative. A shared joke with someone I love, remembering our naughtiness and three words that landed us in trouble, sparked an avalanche of belly aching laughter. It was a moment of unbridled joy, all encompassing. I savour those moments even if it appears to others to be simplistic because life has taught us to pick a set of joys that suit a lifestyle.

I used to downplay my talent for writing despite spending years trying to cultivate it, just so that I could appear humble but I can’t do it anymore. I derive such joy in this ability. I derive joy in my inabilities too. I love music and I sing loudly, and very badly, at full volume. I sing because it alters my mood without me resorting to medication.

I am inefficient in so many areas but I know that I was made to write and I was made to love. This is my joy and it’s limitless.

I’ve told you who I am. Tell me who you are. I don’t want to hear your name…


Ray Rice and the ‘Shock’ Video

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 15, 2014 by tivaniam

Video footage of NFL star, Ray Rice, pounding his fiancée in an elevator has gone viral in recent weeks and caused an outcry within NFL and the American public in general. The incident which happened in February and was dismissed then as a ‘mild physical altercation’ has since proven to be severe as footage revealed Rice dragging the limp body of his unconscious fiancée (whom he has since married) out of an elevator. Viewers described this as ‘shocking’.

What is shocking to me is the uproar this has created simply because the victim in question happened to be engaged to and then married a professional footballer. What about the countless number of women who are beaten to a pulp daily by their less than famous partners? Everyday women with everyday monsters parading as men? A few months ago, a random South African woman made headlines for being stabbed 50 times by her estranged husband and left for dead in an office park. The story, encapsulated in less than ten paragraphs was visible for a day and then faded into obscurity. This was someone’s mother, daughter, sister and friend. A few weeks later, a woman was set alight by her drunken husband in a domestic dispute. She encountered 90 degree burns to her entire body and is now left in a vegetative state. This newspaper article made the third page of a publication and again, lasted for just a day.

The prevalence of abuse against women, despite the activism that we as a society promote, is still on the increase. One punch to one woman is too many. The question I find myself asking is what sort of men are we raising? The paradox of being successful in a career but wanting to be dominant within a relationship is something I don’t understand. It is reported that about 70% of women will experience violence in their lifetime, yet this incident with Rice proved to be ‘shocking’ to audiences – simply because people witnessed it personally, having seen the leaked video. Does this make violence more real? Do we need to physically see a woman being beaten to appreciate the full horror of it?



As a mother to a little boy, I have a role to play in ensuring that he is raised to respect women in every way and form. The way a child lives will ultimately determine their moral compass – children learn what they live. Stop the cycle of abuse by ensuring that we raise men that are secure within themselves to not feel emasculated by strong women or who feel the need to resort to violence to intimidate women. More than that, women who are trapped within these abusive relationships need to know that there are ways to get out. You are worth more and deserve more than being dragged like a piece of luggage on a dirty elevator floor, followed by a half-arsed apology.


Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 2, 2014 by tivaniam

Forgiveness (Photo credit: Celestine Chua)

I have been a victim of abuse, the worse kind that leaves no physical scarring, just a completely battered soul. My dignity and self-worth has been vandalised, but I realise now that I willingly surrendered it. I used to be a self-righteous woman, condemning other women who stay in bad situations until I endured it myself. It is said that a frog will jump out of a pot of boiling water. Place him in a pot and turn it up a little at a time, and he will stay until he is boiled to death. That frog could have been me. I could have been boiled to death. I just had the courage of conviction to jump out at the right time.  It took everything I possessed to leave and now there is nothing left to carry me forward. I am at rock bottom. 

A few days ago someone I love dearly lost her battle with cancer. That was a huge wake up call. It is so easy to remain a victim. So easy to be embroiled in bitterness and hatred, having that hatred spur you on until the viciousness becomes a cycle and everyone around you becomes enmeshed in chaos. I made a choice today to choose something different. I choose to forgive.

Forgiveness makes you grow beyond what you were. I am reclaiming my power that I unwittingly relinquished by holding onto anger. I am facing the world with trepidation but at least I do so with the knowledge that I am in control of my destiny. A simple choice is by no means simplistic. I forgive with the knowledge that one day I will be free from the internal pain that holds me captive and I can only break free once I release the anger, forgive wholly and make peace absolute.

Today, I forgive you completely and am moving on to the next chapter in my life.

I live in hope and still believe in love because I know that emotion which has the potential to break me is also the only thing that can heal me. I will not stay still now. I will act and hope that the universe will follow through.



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