Archive for Power

Rising Strong – My New Take On Getting Older

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2017 by tivaniam

My 36th birthday is looming and with it, the newfound excitement that I have for getting older. Yes, you read right. I am excited to be getting older.

For many years, I dreaded my birthday for different reasons, most important of which was the realisation that my lost youth could never be recaptured, as I inched towards “middle age”. That idea meant I had to finally step up into this whole ‘adulting’ concept, something I’ve waged a war against for many years. I do it grudgingly, and most often, badly. These days, I’ve learnt to embrace being a grown up and with that comes many privileges.

The last three years have been amazing for me from a growth perspective. Some of my toughest life lessons were the catalyst for such a deep awakening, so much so, that I still shock myself with the enormity of what I’ve managed to manifest in my life. This year, reflecting on my 36th year, I realised that I spent over two decades worrying about what people thought about me. And now, finally, I have zero fucks to give. Zero. I am so happy! I don’t care anymore about fitting in. I don’t need to please anyone except myself and I don’t need to conform to society’s idea of who or what I should be because no one knows, except me, the truth of who I am. Therefore why ask permission? Why ask for direction from people, for places they’ve never been! It’s no one’s job to know who I am becoming. That’s my job. So I don’t take on their fear because I choose to be brave about my life.

When I was 18, I entered a beauty pageant because I thought that would make me feel better about myself. Midway, I lost the lines to my speech and had a real life “drop the mic” moment and ran off stage. I don’t think I ever got over the judgment I thought I faced amidst the hordes of people who witnessed that, neither was there a bigger affirmation that I was not good enough. That narrative stayed with me and intensified over the years and needless to say, I created that reality of judgment and the perception of not good enough was revealed to me because that’s the literal way the universe works. And, for two decades that’s how I’ve lived.

Now, at almost 36, I am finally unbecoming. It’s only taken 36 years. I am finding my way back to innocence, purity, childlike joy and wonder and wide-eyed hope. It’s taken 36 years to return to myself instead of being what the world told me to be. With each year, I become more and more of who I’m meant to be. I embrace the fact that I’m a grown up and nobody is the boss of me anymore. I don’t need to audition for life because there are simply no more judges in front of which to freeze.

I am finally allowing life to live through me and I am finally listening to the call of my authentic self. That for me is the greatest gift of getting older.

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Power of Vision

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2015 by tivaniam

In recent weeks, I have been tried and tested in terms of staying true to the essence of who I am. I am peace and peace should follow me everywhere I go, however, I am manifesting great conflict into my life right now that leaves me wondering where the basis of that stems from. I have lived my life with great certitude regarding the abuse of power and have tried to live with a level of humility that makes me authentic and empathetic to others. So when I am faced with dictatorial people who dominate others through their status, rank or wealth, I immediately recognise weakness disguised as strength. It is a tyranny of impoverished thinking.

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other person. True nobility only lies in being superior to your former self. These are principles which govern my life. However, I have openly expressed my humanness and how a slight provocation makes me forget who I am. The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. My every despairing thought was of an inadequacy that should have no basis in my current mind. As a writer, words for me are a verbal embodiment of power. It has to therefore be chosen so carefully. So if someone says I am incompetent, based on nothing, it definitely should have no bearing on me and rather attests to their own sad story. Unfortunately, I have been measuring my self-worth against other people’s net worth. The subjugation of my entire form based on discursive murmurings. It’s stupid. I lost the awareness of who I am beyond name and form.

I have realised that there is a definitive anxiety gap that becomes my constant companion when I divert from the present moment and propel myself into the future or dwell on the shit of my past. However, the problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind. When I reaffirm this, I reclaim my power.

The lesson is this. Certain people are as they are. Never overlook the power of simplicity. Sometimes the best thing to do, is nothing at all. That is having the power of vision in the face of adversity.

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